Clean Out

I have come to realize that if I truly want to change for the better, for Christ, I must actually take action.
I recently noticed that I am surrounded by negativity, and even worse, I let it surround me. I complain about how it's everywhere, but I draw myself into it, giving it my attention.

Last night I was with my best friend talking about anything and everything. I was actually there to babysit her siblings while she was at a church event, but we got some time to talk before she left. One main focus of our conversation was faith. My faith, specifically.

I have come to realize a lot of things this past year. One things being that I do not feel as if I am being filled at my church. And by filled, I mean the feeling you get when you just know God is there and nothing else matters. I don't get that way at my church. I haven't for a long time. There were times throughout middle school where, during worship, I would get really into it and just be enveloped by the Grace of God. I could feel him take over. Nothing mattered in those moments of simple, but powerful, worship. Nothing at all, except for me and God.
I don't get that way anymore at my church.

I went too Mass with my mom last Sunday because she missed it the night before and asked if I wanted to come. I said sure, since I was pretty used to going with her in the past. After we went to Mass, we went to my church for the service. It was like a complete culture shock. I'm Baptist so things are a little different. Or a lot. Everything there seemed like a big show. A production. Like we needed all these things going on, all these Christian-pop songs playing, all these distractions [ironically...], to connect with Christ. I hated it. It was awful. I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.
Instead of listening to the message, I wrote in my journal. I opened my Bible and searched through verses, some of what we were part of what was being taught, but a little more than just that.
That's the only way I've really been able to get something out of going to church; by opening and studying it by myself.

It's a sad concept, really. That I go to church with this empty feeling, as if something is missing, and leave with it. Nothing changed.

Now, please don't take what I just said to mean that I don't feel anything between God and I. I do. But I feel as if something is missing between us, and I keep searching for it, but I can't find it at my church. it's just not there.

I'm not Catholic, but because my mom is, and my best friend and closest friends are, I have been imprinted by the Catholic faith.
I have gone to Mass with my mom and friends and been able to actually understand what was being conveyed more than I could at my church.
I went to Adoration a few times with my friends. Twice at Matt Maher concerts, and once at a youth group meeting. If I could describe it as anything, I would probably say that simple, but powerful, worship I once felt in middle school, but really have been searching for since then. I felt this deep connection with God where I could tell Him anything and He would understand me with a kind heart, not looking down upon me for what I have done in the past. Forgiveness. Sanctity.

I was just told yesterday by my best friend, Asia, that a girl from that youth group saw me that one night during Adoration and was stunned that I was so into and I wasn't even Catholic, and that so many Catholics she knows aren't even that taken by Adoration. Hearing that gave me reassurance that I am not as bad as I make myself out to be. I was also stunned. I just didn't think that seeing someone completely broken would be an appealing thing. You know?
Those times in Adoration I felt ripped apart and so broken and weary that I felt like a hopeless cause. However, at the end I felt renewed and healed. I felt as if God had personally taken the time to mend my heart. Because He had. Because He cares. Because He loves me.


Honestly, I'm not sure where I'm headed right now, faith-wise.
As I was talking to Asia, she suggested that maybe I was being called to become part of the Catholic church. I have no idea. I really don't. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. I really have no clue right now.
But it's ok. It's ok because that's why God is here. He's here to listen to me and answer me when I have confusion and questions like that.
He's got a plan for me and He's got it all taken care of and under control.
Thank goodness.

I really just want to ask anyone who reads this to just keep me in your prayers. I need them more than ever, and I appreciate even the tiniest thought.

I think it's about time I let God take over completely.

I'm all Yours. Use me for Your will.