Last night was a night of worship at Fusion.
It was mentioned a few weeks ago, and when I heard about it I immediate got ecstatic at the idea of being able to participate in this.
However, when last night arrived, it became much more than just being excited for it. I needed it.
I haven't been to something like that in what seems like forever. I literally cannot remember the last time I felt the way I did last night, but I think that's because I've never felt the way I did yesterday.
I have had times where I get really in the worship, emotional even, but never to the point where I found myself last night.
This year has been pretty crazy for me. A lot of things happened that caused me to grow up a bit and make decisions I had been putting off for a while, or one's I kept searching for the answers to.
I have already explained how Fusion has been an incredible blessing in my life, but I haven't explained how it has fulfilled me. Or rather, given me the chance to find fulfillment in God.
For the past six years I have been hungry for such fulfillment, but I kept losing sight, and even hope, of it as time passed. Throughout those six years I didn't find it and it came to the point where I realized I was never going to find it.
I gave up my search and days later was amazingly handed it in the form of Fusion.
When I started to go more and more, I felt more and more in worship, but it was still not to the point where I felt I could freely worship with my every being.
I think it's because I was scared. Scared of being judged because of my past faults. Scared of being looked at as a hypocrite. Scared at not being good enough.
I wanted to be in control of how people perceived me. I wanted to be in control of everything really.
Then last night arrived.
I was fortunate enough to be able to come early to help set up and pray with the group of people that also came early. I got to see what was going to happen slowly unfold. I saw glimpses of what was about to occur which led to a growing hunger to just worship already.
By the time we got started I was getting impatient because I just wanted to have that connection with God. I knew it was going to be good, the worship I mean, but I didn't expect it to break that barrier of fear I still had.
When we finally started I just sang the songs and listened to the words, letting everything soak in. Within the lyrics, I found several messages that I could relate to my life as of right now. In every song I found something I understood and found such truth in my life. It got harder to keep my emotions held back as time passed. Questions I have asked for what seems like forever were finally answered. Doubts I had were banished from my thoughts.
The more songs we worshiped with I felt that barrier starting to crumble. I felt that guard I had held so high for so long start to fall.
I started to connect with God in a way that I had experienced, or even thought I would experience.
Last night was huge for me. As those questions were answered, burdens were laid at the alter. My burden of wanting control over everything was laid at the alter.
Something I realized last night through just full out worshiping, was that this is not my life. This life was given to me, but it came with a cost. A cost that was covered before I was even born. But that cost still required something of us; full submission to the God who placed us here and sacrificed His one and only Son for our sake.
We can choose to pursue God's own heart, or we can let this free gift of salvation pass us by and miss out on the greatest present to ever grace the earth.
The moment when we learn to give up all control is the point when we start to experience the Grace and Power of our Lord Jesus Christ.
I have struggled with that for so long, but I have realized that it doesn't matter what everyone thinks of me, or what I think they think of me [two very different things]. What does matter is that I learn to stop trying to control everyone and everything.
God has a plan for me. He's had it forever.
I just have to let Him put that plan into action.
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