A Break

The intensity of life sometimes hurts. A lot.

Recently I have seriously been struggling whether to continue teaching Sunday School with the 7th and 8th grade girls in the fall, or to take time off for myself to strengthen my personal relationship with Christ.
When I decided to teach last year, I thought that I would be able to strengthen my relationship with Christ, as well as bring the girls closer to Him. However, I find myself becoming more frustrated as I gain no respect from them, and they act like it's just a game they'll only play if something materialistic is in it for them. I mean, I'm not saying that is the case with all of them, but the majority of them give that type of a vibe.
Anyways, I went to Firehouse tonight with all intention of not teaching in the fall. I even told people as they said they were helping out now and whatnot, and I felt pretty content about that decision. Then things happened and started to question whether or not I was making the right choice. I honestly could not tell and it stressed me out to no end.
Today has been incredibly overwhelming with finally understanding things my parents have said to me, only because I went through them today. For example, my dad is always telling us how he hates it when he fixes something only to find us go behind him and mess it up again. I cleaned the house three times, the same spot three times, because my nieces and nephew were here. It drove me nuts because no one was helping me and I had already cleaned that are multiple times. It made me respect anyone with over two kids all over again. I am definitely not fit to be a mother right now, which is a good thing since I'm only nineteen with no guy whatsoever in my life. Back to my point though... I was stressed.
I left my house to run a book to the UPS store for my sister and because I had to make it to MI before five, I was leaving right when people were getting home, or coming home, from work. I thought I was going to die. Some guy in a huge truck decides to merge straight at me causing me to think he was going to t-bone me at an angle. Thank God he didn't, but then he got right behind me on my tale causing me to think he was going to rear end me [after that already happening not too long ago, I was not mentally or emotionally ready for that to happen again]. It freaked me out so much that I almost started crying. Then came all the stress I had from before and I seriously wanted to cry. I didn't, though. I managed to pull myself together, then ran a few errands. When I got to Firehouse I was in no mood to be there.
Upstairs, as it started, worship began. The songs were ok at the beginning, but further into the worship they started getting deeper. So much so that two of them really hit me so hard that I just started crying. Everything I had been holding back from today was brought out, but especially the ongoing stress from the indecision of teaching Sunday School or not. I was afraid to let all the kids see me in such a state, but at that moment it didn't matter. It was just me and God. And it was even more scary knowing that God could see me so broken in the moment.
When you feel so vulnerable to God, it really is a frightening thing. Even thinking about what happened tonight gets me unsteady. To know that I literally have no control over my life is scary. SO scary. But knowing that Christ has COMPLETE control over my life is a whole new kind of scary. He knows exactly what is going to happen to me, and that is so insane to think about. He could have taken my life today when that guy was driving insanely. But He didn't.
It's overwhelming to know that my whole life has already been planned out by Him. He knows whether or not I will teach. He knows what is going to happen this summer. He knows if I will lose my head trying to deal with obnoxious campers. He knows when I'll meet the man I will marry [or even if I already have]. He knows how many kids I will have. He knows what I will do as a career. He knows everything.
It's really hard being submissive enough to give Him control over my life. It really is. But, the comfort and satisfaction I receive when I do give Him control is something I cannot describe.
Life is hard. But it's harder without God.